Being Myself

The first time I thought about losing weight, I was ten years old. I first became aware of my body when I was 9, and I’ve spent about 11 years trying to change my body so I would like myself. At least once a day for ten years, I stood in front of a mirror and wondered why I couldn’t just look like other girls do. It became a part of my routine at a certain point - it didn’t even make me feel bad anymore. I stopped crying when I looked in the mirror, and just started generally disliking myself and what I saw.

Not to make it like this, but I will make it like this. Being a woman/female presenting is fucking hard. It’s hard to detach from the beauty standard placed upon us, at least initially. When I was younger, I didn’t want to be special, I didn’t want to be unique or have my own qualities, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be a part of what was accepted. I wanted to be what I thought, other people thought was beautiful. What a shame. What a fucking disaster for young girls to grow up and cry while they look at themselves in a mirror. And how tiring is it to try and fit into a category that seems like it doesn’t want you? Especially when it feels like “beauty” is what we owe the world.

People ask me about my confidence a lot. Like, how I’m “so confident.” I think there’s a distinguishable difference between being confident and being insecure. Or maybe you can be confident AND insecure at the same time. I think I am. I’m confident in my abilities, I’m confident in my personality, who I am, and recently, more confident in how I look. I’m definitely a lot more confident now than I was, say, three years ago, but I still get insecure. I still compare myself to other girls, and don’t feel like being seen some days. I think it’s impossible to be completely confident and secure about every single aspect of your life and your being. That includes, work, school, personality, friendships, not just looks/appearance. An insecurity is not the end all be all either. Everyone has insecurities, even people you think are perfect. They stem from a variety of things, often out of our control.

Here’s what I’ve come to learn, and here’s what I’ve come to appreciate. My body has never failed me. I’ve never had a serious illness, I’ve never broken a bone. I’ve never been at a disadvantage, I’ve never had to work harder than others to accomplish a simple task. My body has only loved me, and I’ve spent more than half my life hating it. At the end of the day, no matter how I feel about my body now, this is possibly the best it will ever be – this is what I’ve got. I’m 20 years old, all my bad habits will catch up to me eventually! In 10 years, I won’t have the agility I do now to strut around Manhattan in Louboutins and Manolo’s. In 15 years, I’m not going to fit into my Manolo’s because my foot will have increased by one (1) whole shoe size with each child I gave birth to (real fucking thing, so annoying). I could wake up tomorrow, and something could change about myself, and I’ll resent the fact that I didn’t appreciate what I used to have. I don’t want to wake up one day, see myself, and cry about how badly I wish I could be 20 again, and then remember I didn’t see the beauty in myself then, either. What a regret it would be to grow older, and the years of not loving myself have added up even more. Maybe it’s less about confidence and more about the fact that I don’t really give a fuck anymore. I’m tired of caring so much about what I do or don’t look like. I’m tired of going to the gym just to weigh myself, I’m tired of thinking too critically about what I eat. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. Not good enough for who? I’ll be damned if I starve myself for the likes of a man ever again. It’s never that serious. It’s not serious enough to derail your life and your health to try and be something or someone you aren’t. It’s good to work on yourself, and it’s good to be happy you’re doing so. But working on yourself isn’t supposed to be harmful. It’s not supposed to be mentally and physically draining just to achieve whatever goal you have. I’m not going to talk all that much about eating disorders because I honestly don’t know what to say for myself about it, and I don’t want to speak incorrectly. However, I think the general consensus is that they aren’t worth it! It might seem like it’s the solution to make you “happy,” but they never satisfy. Please understand that it will only make things worse, and it’s not worth having to deal with the destruction afterwards.

I used to derive a lot of false confidence and a source of validation from boys. I used to be rather promiscuous, obviously, never because I genuinely liked the guy. I just wanted him (whomever “he” was) to like me. I wanted to prove to myself that somebody could desire me. This was not healthy either. Where I am now, I can’t remember the names of even a fourth of the people I’ve kissed in my life, but I would’ve been just fine without them (genuinely all losers). The gag is that with each of those boys, none of them really even made me feel good about myself. Although, I doubt they even had an ounce of care for me either. In retrospect, it was purely a tradeoff. I was once so disgusted by a guy that I threw up after we had hooked up. Like, oh my god!!!! Wake up!!! You hate yourself!!! All this did was make things worse and throw me deeper into this pit of feeling worthless at the hands of my self loathe. So, that’s definitely not the quick fix, is my point.

I guess I’m just trying to say that my appearance is not who I am, and it doesn’t define me. Anyone who isn’t willing to look past my appearance to see my personality isn’t worth my time. But it’s also okay to care. You’re not awful or vain for caring about your appearance. I want to be happy with myself, but not if it will affect other parts of my life or tear me down. I’ve taken a greater liking to fashion in return. Finding my style and what looks good on me has *majorly* positively impacted me and my self perception. Wearing clothes that suit and make me feel good has shifted my insecurities away. Yeah, I might, sometimes, feel a little bad when I step out of the shower and look in the mirror, but when I put on a cute outfit that I feel good in, I don’t even think about whatever I was feeling; I feel confident. I’m still working on this part of myself. I am still working on loving my body and doing right by it. Perhaps it’s not a linear process, but I won’t let a physical goal be the most important thing in my life. I can work on it when I've got time.

I wish I had listened to all the cliches growing up about how you have to love yourself first before anything. I always wonder where I would be in my life, and my journey of growth had I not spent so much time focused on literally tearing myself down. Then I remember, this is kind of normal. I’ve written about how I didn’t always believe in myself and my capabilities before and how I’ve questioned the kind of person I am; it’s all a part of self-actualization, in a way. It’s part of being a human. I didn’t, and I don’t think many others either, have the tools to completely avoid this stage of devaluation completely. Being insecure and having insecurities sucks; It can and will tear down your confidence if you let it. Healthy and positive work towards a better self is the key. Being patient, is key. I’ve been struggling with my skin and acne for a while now. It keeps coming back, and while I am treating it, I still get frustrated. I’m tired of waking up every day and seeing something I feel like I have to deal with. However, like I said, I’m treating it. It will go away eventually, and I won’t have to worry about it then, so why worry now? There is nothing I can do at this moment (unless I want to pick at my face and make it worse), so I just have to let it go. You can refer to my ‘It Is What It Is’ blog post if you’d like to know more about relinquishing the need for control.

It’s okay. I swear it’s okay. Confidence is what makes you beautiful. Fake it at first if you have to, it'll start to come true. Believing in yourself is hot! Knowing your worth radiates beauty. Seeing the uniqueness in yourself, and what makes you special is pretty. I am who I am. No matter what I do or don't do to my physical appearance, I'm still the same person. Our bodies change naturally. You might not look how you did when you were 16, and that’s probably because you’re 22 now. Of course, you’re going to look different. I think surrounding yourself with people that uplift you is also important. Ugh, please stop being friends with bitches. Seriously. Don’t let other people projecting their insecurities impact yours. Invest yourself in positive environments – it’s everything. Coming to college, seeing the real world, and being friends with real people changed me. Practice good hygiene too. For some reason I feel like being really on top of that, like shaving regularly, or whitening my teeth makes me feel more confident as well.

I think that’s all I have for today. I’m not sure there’s a clear message here, but I wanted to write on something I’ve been reflecting on and working through myself recently. Whenever I say goodbye to my friends, I always say, “be yourself,” so be yourself!!!

P.s. Mom, I know you’re reading this because you always do. Please don’t call me crying. This kind of thing is mostly unavoidable. You always made me feel good about myself. You always have and always will make me feel beautiful. You always made me see the best in myself. I love you!

Love you all!!!! Be yourself!!!

Bye!

D.M.