Intentionally Single?

I’m being “intentionally single.” I’m not looking for “love,” whatever that means, amongst the dating pool these days. I’m not searching for meaningful or meaningless relationships. I’m hoping to find my independence within the relationships that already exist in my life.

I’ve been out of a relationship for about four months now. What else I’ve done to help myself on the other end of it is not so important (what I have to say, for the most part, is probably not good or helpful advice), but what I have been positively focusing on is not ignoring my symptoms of heartache and looking for a replacement. When faced with uncomfortable emotions, it has been hard for me in the past to deal with them head-on and work through them rather than just ignore them. I know that leaping onto the next person or throwing myself into situations with others will not serve as a solution, just a bandaid. What I’m missing most about being in a relationship is that connection: the intimacy and the sense of care. I feel like it’s kind of hard to recognize that all those things, besides the sexual intimacy, still exist in my life. The loss of one does not equate to the loss of all. I’m not deprived of love or compassion completely, if at all. To have a healthy relationship, that person needs to be an addition to your life, not a vessel to fill a void. I feel like that’s where many people my age got lost in this neverending quest for love. And I’m no exception.

When I say I’m intentionally single, I am not seeking anyone out. I’m also not accepting invitations. I’m working with what I already have - my friendships. There are several reasons behind this. Frankly, I’m not entirely over my ex. Certainly more than I was four months ago, but I couldn’t go on a date with someone tonight and not compare every single detail about them to my ex. I’ve tried. I went on a couple of dates a few months ago, and while I enjoyed this person and found them interesting, funny, and attractive, there was still a component missing. It was that I wasn’t interested (sorry). I went on the dates to try and take my mind off only thinking about my ex. I went to see if this could move this agonizing process along with a little more haste. Shocker, it did not. It sounds shitty, but this guy wasn't the reason I went on the dates. That is just not fair! It's not fair to the other person involved, and because I can recognize that, it makes me feel bad about myself. The second reason behind my single-ness, to reiterate what I already said, is that in any relationship I have going forward, I want that person to be an addition to an already emotionally fulfilled life. I don’t want to be stuck on someone else or still working through old issues. I want to be present, and I want to be a good partner. I don’t want to be with someone just to be with them or to aid an ache for love and lust. I need to use this time to probably start seeing my therapist again (she's the one ghosting me). I should go over my unhealthy habits in relationships and work through them. And, I need to unlearn attachment. I think I tend to get attached in the unhealthy way, and I'm just not that girl - not in my essence at least. You know, it's a great opportunity to get up.

As far as filling that physical void – sex. Casual sex isn’t really me (most of the time). Not for any particular reason, but I don’t find it necessary. Rest assured, I’ve tried it, and it honestly just made me feel gross. Let me be clear though, if casual sex is something you enjoy that is totally normal and cool, I'm speaking personally. Sex is important to me; something I cherish. I like it to be shared with someone I care about and someone who cares about me. I’m also someone who, when in the right headspace, can develop feelings for someone rather deeply and quickly. I think the whole idea of having casual and often consistent sex with someone can become messy... fast. It's quite easy for two people to not be on the same page about what they want moving forward. Especially, when one or both don't communicate well. That scares me. I won’t say that I date (and I mean committed partner relationships) to marry, but I don’t do it for shits and giggles. This is purely out of self-preservation -- I’m not trying to go through this whole break-up thing more times than I have to. It really tears a bitch down!!!!! I don’t do the whole situationship thing, either. Not anymore. I just think that's stupid. Like, we’re grown. If you don’t know how you feel about me, or you don’t like me enough to be fully committed to me - I have better places to be. If I know how I feel about a person, nine of ten times, that person will understand. If they don’t want to do anything with that information, then I know how they feel as well. I try not to play all those games and save myself precious time. A person that I want to be with is mature and has some emotional intelligence. At least enough emotional intelligence to treat people right. A person I want to be with will know they want to be with me and say it. Although, if it’s a mutual thing and we’re on the same page, perhaps I could work with some form of a casual relationship. But again, why waste my time with someone who isn’t serious about me when I can literally be doing anything else with my life?

The final reason is that when I was in my last relationship, I spent a lot of time not focusing on my friends. I spent a lot of time not being present with them, and I have some repairing to do. I have fantastic friends. I love every single one of them, and I could’ve done a better job being there and present in any way. These are people that love me and are here for me. I can’t forget that. I don’t need anyone right now, and I don’t want anyone. Not when I have my friends. We don't have sex and that's actually totally cool for me. We have deep conversations, we share personal things and we help each other through. Sometimes, I’m a little selfishly indulgent, but I usually come back to this conclusion of being intentionally single. I’m only 20 years old. I have a lot more life to live, many people to meet, and a thousand more chances to fall in love. I think it’s okay if I take my time right now. Sometimes, I feel like there's this pressure to be in a relationship and that being in a relationship means you're worth something - you're wanted by someone. Fuck all that. Fuck it! Your life should not depend on belonging to someone. Relationships are supposed to be special, and they're meant to be good to you. Set yourself up for something good. Don't rush your time being single. I bet one day when you're married and all that shit - you'll yearn for these years. I'll know when I'm ready to get back in there. For now, I'm just fine where I am being intentionally single.

No need to rush into love. It’ll find its way to you.

p.s. sorry this is late.

Love,

D.M.