Letting Someone Go

it’s hard to let someone go, especially when you don’t really want to.

it’s hard to justify why you’re putting yourself through this kind of misery and heartache. the pain of missing someone that maybe you don’t have to be missing. as I go through my own breakup, i tend to hold on to a lot of the good from the past — because it was so good, for the most part. i like to remember it that way, at least. it was the kind of love that makes your heart burn, the kind where from the start, you can’t really articulate just quite why you love them, but you feel it. the kind that felt like it was written just for you.

but you have to realize what got you here. something, along the way, fell out of place and now you’re in this unseemly position of having to let each other go. with that, you have to let go of the hope of getting back to the good one day - it’s keeping you from moving forward. i think it’s true that every person enters your life for a reason, just the same as when they exit it. i don’t believe, however, that once someone leaves, they’re always gone for good. i think that perhaps, there’s a chance you’ll meet back in that doorway someday. but don’t wait around for it. if it is meant to be, it will be.

having a connection with someone who at one point, made you feel new emotions or see the day in a different light is a gift; it’s a treasure to have felt a love like that, which makes it no cakewalk to move on from. but doing it will serve you more than holding on to what might never happen. i feel this way because however it turns out later on, you didn’t waste time waiting for that person to come back around or waste time wishing for things to work out how you hoped. with love, there sometimes comes pain, and as long as you hold on to whatever no longer is, the longer the pain will linger. it was real love; it was true and innocent, and it made you feel a way that no one else ever has. that’s why it hurts, but for whatever reason it may be, it stopped working. it took me a while to not be angry about it, to not have resentment towards whatever contributing factors placed me in this position. it took me a while to stop blaming myself, and realize what i want isn’t always what’s right for me. simultaneously, i was scared and i masked it with anger. it’s scary to let go of something that’s hard to find. so once you have it, or think you have it, you want to leave scratch marks trying to let it go. but the optimist in me has a good feeling you will love again, and it’ll be someone new, someone who will love you in a completely different way, someone who will make you see the day in a totally different and just as – if not more effervescent light. or maybe you’ll see each other again one day. you’ll be the same but different. more intelligent and more mature, finally in the right place to try again. in any case, you can’t wait around for maybe. take each day as it comes, and as each day comes, choose yourself. focus on creating the life that you want and focus on finding fulfillment in what you can control. having been in a relationship with such a connection that i became uninvolved in myself - i lost a bit of me, and in order to find myself again, i have to be without them. they need to grow without you. you can’t love someone into being the person you need or the person you want them to become.

i’m new to this, frankly. i still think about this person, and sometimes i want so badly just to talk. but it won’t feel how i want it to feel. it’ll feel good for a little bit but not like how it felt when we were in love. not right now. and i think it’s okay to mourn that absence. in some way, walking away (or trying to at least) from this was the right decision. i’m happy i got to have a love like the one i did, but i’ll only suffer trying to bring it back. “good” breakups can be just as hard as the bad ones. sometimes i wish we did hate each other, maybe that would make it easier. i think we tried to make ourselves at one point or another. but that would’ve been a miserable mistake. love comes when you least expect it, good love comes not when you need it, but when you deserve it and you’re ready to wholeheartedly accept it. take care of yourself and focus on yourself for the first time in a while; it’ll feel good.

try to leave a relationship with what was true — how you treated them, the love you gave them, the love they gave back, and why it ended. not what you imagine could have been or how it should’ve been different. you’ll never find peace through what never was. it’s hard to move on without all the answers to whether this should really be it or not, but i think you’ll find those answers in yourself later on. don’t feel bad for walking away, don’t feel like you’re giving up on something. and if you’re still waiting for them where they left you, i hope this gave you a little bit of clarity on what to do next. you deserve to be happy by yourself and of your own volition. for those of you who maybe had a bad breakup or a relationship you weren’t ready to leave, consider this: how did you feel about them, and how did they make you feel? oftentimes there’s quite a discrepancy. but in any case, if the way they make you feel scores anywhere negative, how you feel about them is no longer important. you’re worth more than to feel lonely, uncared for, or bad by a person who is supposed to treat you oppositely. you’re a prize. that person leaving you was the best thing they could’ve done for you.

i wrote most of this to myself a few weeks ago, in an attempt to rationalize things in my head. i haven’t been completely “perfect,” i don’t always practice what i preach (who does?)!!!! like i said from the start, it’s hard to walk away and truthfully, there’s no right way to get through this (my therapist told me that, and i feel like it’s valid). life is a lesson, you’ll learn what you learn - hard way or not. do what feels right to you. everyone is entitled to their own path. every love is unique, and so may be you’re healing journey.

i’ll leave you all with this, however you’re feeling now, “good” breakup or bad - it’s not the end of the world!!!! i know it’s a certain type of agony and it feels bottomless, like you’ll always feel this tight pain in your chest when you’re reminded of that person and what no longer is. and i know it’s frustrating when you’re feeling things differently or deeper than you’re ex-partner, especially when it seems like they’re fine without you. you just have to let it go. don’t feel diminished, don’t let this ruin you’re perception of love, because maybe love is all we have. i think people say that; love is the best thing in life, you’ll feel it again. being in love is something special, root for it.

a friend of mine once told me, always entertain love, it’ll teach you things. :)

right from my notes app to you,

D.M. <3