Recently, I’ve embarked on a self-care journey, as some of you may know. This isn’t new territory to me. I’ve embarked on many self-care journeys before - I’ve also given up on just as many. Although I wouldn’t necessarily say I gave up, they just served their purpose, and I parted with my extreme habits of “self-improvement.”
That is where the main issue lay in attempts past. I was so set on the “glow up.” That was my goal with becoming obsessed with going to the gym more than I wanted, watching what I ate a little too closely, and spending money on things I didn’t need. I only cared about my exterior “growth.” and also it was completely unhealthy. All this isn’t to say wanting those things in a healthy way is wrong and not synonymous with "true" self-care, but I wasn’t in the right head space. My actual well-being wasn’t in tune with the whole “new me” movement I was producing in my day-to-day life. While it made me happy in the past to see improvement in my skin and my physique, or my outfits *the way my outfits looked on me* - I wasn’t growing mentally or as a person, per se.
This time around, I’m doing things a little differently!! I’ve been spending a lot of time with myself. I’ve been analyzing how I respond to negative things and thinking about how I would’ve preferred to react to those situations. I’ve been reading more, writing more, and I’ve been practicing my gratitude. Being consciously grateful for what I do have has been one of the most beneficial things I’ve done in my self-care journey. Now, I’m always thankful; I’ve always been cognizant of what a life I’ve been blessed with, but I’ve got a new take on it. Maybe this is so normal, and I’m just behind, but when I see something, like a cute dog on the street, I think, “I’m so grateful I got to see that cute dog today.” I like being overly happy about the small things. There’s so much to be grateful for in life, but I forget when there are darker clouds overhead. There’s always going to be something going on; there’s always going to be something testing your strength and trying to put a damper on what’s good!!! Being grateful for even the small things has helped me through the shit of it. Something like a good dinner, rewatching an old show I used to love, or finding a new one that I find myself enthralled in. Waking up to feel rested, not having a headache at some point throughout the day, and/or discovering a new restaurant are all casual things to be grateful for.
I’m in a psych class this semester called “Fundamentals of Personality,” Yesterday, during the lecture, my professor said something that caught my attention. She said studies have shown that individualism (independence) is consistently related to having a positive well-being. And positive well-being is most commonly attained by pursuing personal goals and success. Coming out of a relationship, I’m having difficulty getting back to being self-reliant - in terms of my ability to be alone. I get antsy. I know it gets said a lot, but I am genuinely the only person I will always have throughout this life. I need to get comfortable, and I need to help myself!!! Focusing on this blog, being more involved in my field, learning new things and getting excited about the future I’m building for myself helps. It provides me a way to get to know myself and makes me feel like I’m being proactive about what I want. Often, in the past and even sometimes now, I put myself down. I used to have so little belief that I could obtain my personal goals that I stopped believing in myself altogether at a certain point and accepted my future of "mediocrity." I put so much pressure on myself that I began feeling stagnant. Like I wanted all these things, but I wasn’t doing anything to get them. Or, I had all these privileges of higher education and I was just wasting them by not being/doing enough. But I am. I am recognizing, focusing, and putting energy into what I am doing and not on what I’m not; this has shifted my perspective in a more positive direction.
Some other things I’ve been doing are taking vitamins that I definitely need (deficient in everything). With that, I’ve been seeing doctors and doing blood work to ensure I’m in a good place and on top of my health (I’m a relentless hypochondriac). I signed up for Blue Apron™ (which I’m actually so fucking excited about) so I can start getting into cooking actual, balanced meals at home. I think it’s also an excellent activity to do that will keep me engaged. Usually, I order food and sit around for it or make pasta; that’s a pretty passive recipe requiring minimal effort and maximum couch time. I’ve also been taking everything showers at least once a week just to feel that delicious type of clean (you get it). I’m going to start getting my nails done every two weeks, and with that, forcing myself to budget better. I also go to the gym when it feels good for my body, not when I feel like I should be burning off calories from the night before. I’m evolving my style as the season shifts and wearing what I think is cute while investing in new pieces that will last. I’m trying to stay off the internet; I know that sounds like a load of shit coming from me, but seriously. I’m trying not to go on it more than I feel I have to. I deleted TikTok for almost two months in December and never felt so good about myself. Alas, I rely on it for my “work,” but try it out - you’ll see. I’ve been trying to hold myself accountable and become habitual with some of these things, but I’m also honest with myself about the state I’m in each day and take it from there. There’s no use in forcing myself to do something; I have to want to do it. Some days, I do, and some days, I want to be sad on the couch, be a little messy, and let loose! I’m just a girl, after all. That’s okay.
Positive well-being is the root of it all. Being in a good place mentally will set you up for success every time. Even if something doesn’t work out, being mentally stable will help you get through that obstacle much easier.
Sometimes, when I’m alone, I get weirded out by myself, like actually. I genuinely feel like… what the fuck… and become very existential, it’s weird. I think spending more time alone, focusing on what I enjoy/learning new things about myself will subside this. Kind of like… I’m nurturing myself. I wasn’t really ever deprived as a child, so I wouldn’t say I’m fulfilling the child in me because she has had quite enough. But I’m fulfilling the growing adult in me. Not living with my parents anymore and not having people to lead me around has left me a little bit lost and confused at times of new obstacles. Not to worry - normal. I just have to remember I’m doing what I’ve always dreamed of doing. I’m in the place I always wanted to be, and I’m lucky to have my parents and google for guidance and advice when I need it. I just have to trust and take care; so should you. If you’re also on a self-care journey or plan to start on one, please remember that this isn’t a time to be strict with yourself; it’s a time to be kind to yourself. If some days you can’t stick to the plan, and you just want to be lazy, be lazy. Don’t take particular joys out of your life to replace them entirely with what you think you “should” be doing. And if you feel like you’re not where you want to be, even with hard work, please just trust that you’ll get there in due time (I’m going to write about this in another post). Be kind to yourself and others; I think you’ll find that kindness will always find its way back to you.
So, that’s all I’ve got, I think. We’ll see how this goes, and I hope I don’t give up this time because I think I’m onto something!!!!
With love,
D.M.
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