All I ever wanted was to grow up. I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted to be able to make my own decisions. I wanted to feel undivided, wholly my own freedom. The truth is, I was never denied those things as I went through my adolescence. I had the option to make my own choices. I had the will to be my own person and, realistically, do what I wanted. But I only wanted to be in the next place. I didn’t appreciate what I had until I “lost” it.
I think that’s a universal experience at one point or another. You don’t cherish what you have until you feel it starting to slip away. It wasn’t for lack of gratitude, although I’m sure I could have been more acknowledging. I was so stuck in my own dissatisfaction that I wasn’t where I wanted to be yet that I couldn’t (didn’t) presently enjoy my life.
Tale as old as time, a financially supported, privileged white girl doesn’t like her life. Wah. Upon further inspection and deeper introspection, I found that my dissatisfaction was really rooted in self-doubt. I was so afraid that I couldn’t accomplish what or who I wanted to be that I was rushing to get to the next step in hopes it would bring me closer to believing I could accomplish my alleged dreams of success.
New York City is the love of my life. Not because it’s a perfect place. Truthfully, this city is fucked up!!! It’s true that this can be one of the loneliest places on earth despite how surrounded by life you are. New York City is the love of my life because it’s the place that taught me I am the pioneer of my happiness and, therefore, success. It’s not at the hands of anyone else; I am reliant on myself, and only I can bring forth my aspirations. It’s a pretty remedial concept but something that often gets lost in failure. Everybody fails at times, but it doesn’t mean you’re defined by that. New York City can be lonely if you let it. As much darkness and sadness as this city holds, it cultivates just as much (probably even more) creativity, authenticity, and bliss - more so than any other place I think I could be. But only if I make it that way. Any place is what you make it. If you put yourself in a position of diffidence and believe you’ll only be happier somewhere else, or you won’t succeed until you make it to that next place, you’ll never be satisfied.
I have no clue where I’m going. I really thought I knew what I wanted, and I had this surefire plan to succeed. Now, I’m graduating in just over a year with a BA in journalism (I do not want to be a journalist). What I thought I wanted is not at all what will make me happy. I thought it would because that makes sense. Go to college with this plan: I’m good at writing, I care about information, and I’m passionate about influence - journalism. I graduate, I apply for jobs, I make a salary, and I continue on in New York. I work a regular job, I find someone, fall in love, and get married - bam! Mortgage and so on. I believed it would make me happy because it was organized, it was calculated, and it would be generally stress-free because I’ve got it figured out. It’s comfortable to think you know exactly how life will turn out. Then I think about what I’ll have to say for myself when I’m 60. And what I’ll have to say is not what I would’ve wanted, which, by the way, is subjective to each individual. I’ve never been one to stick to something. Whether that’s because I just haven’t found what there is for me yet or I’m meant for a life of more than just one thing.
Here’s what I know: I love my life as I’m currently living it. To live in New York City and experience life beyond just stereotypical college grounds was something I always wanted and has been the gift of my life thus far. To even go to college at all and to graduate early is a success far beyond the comprehension of my younger self. We’re so conditioned to these plans and rules on how to “succeed” in life that, for me, clouded the reality of the present. Feeling like I’m in this race, competing against my peers to “make it,” has, at times, brought me back to that dissatisfaction and apprehension that I felt leading up to college. My own success is not determined by the money I make. While it would certainly be great to be rich, my own “success” is valued by experience and happiness. Let’s be honest - I wouldn’t be Ms. Fortune working in journalism anyway. I believe that abundance will find its way to me and perhaps manifest in a completely different career path than I could even imagine currently. I feel like to a lot of people, that sounds like a load of shit, and keeping to the “plan” is the best idea - that’s for you. There isn’t just one way to see the world. You don’t have to stick to the plan that was made up for you to feel like you’re making it.
I’m happy here right now. I’m going to graduate, and I think I’ll go somewhere else. Whether I go back to school in another state or work for a few months and then travel is not figured out for me yet. I’m not sure what the next step in my pursuit of success is, and that’s just fine. I believe in myself now, much more than I did 3 or 4 years ago. I believe in my drive and motivation to experience more than the mediocrity I anticipated for myself. I’m happy in New York. I’m happy with who I am, the work I’ve done, and the work I plan to do in the foreseeable future. I recognize the privilege I have to be able to sit here and write about my seeming lack of concern for who and what I’ll be 5 years down the line. But know this: whether you are sticking to your plan or just seeing where life takes you, don’t be so fixated on what you don’t know. Honestly, your life could change tomorrow, and the plans you had will no longer mean anything. Make the best of the situation you are in now and what you can do with today.
It’s hard with social media to feel like you’re taking the right steps. We were never meant to know about how so many other people are living their lives. We aren’t meant to consume so much information about other people’s decisions and methods for their success. People get on the internet and fucking lie. Additionally, the narrative that people may push online is not always what it seems. Don’t let someone else’s apparent happiness determine your own. You make your own life, you create your own success, and you follow your own path. The “right steps” are different for everyone. I like to think I’ve already lived a few different lives already, and I want to live more. I don’t want to get comfortable with one thing just yet. I want to see what else there is, and I am pretty sure I will when the time comes. Or maybe I won’t, and you’ll see me at Vice writing about bullshit.
I’m focused now on finishing up my degree, working, and fulfilling myself with writing, meaningful friendships, and experience. There is no point in not living life how you’d like. I know many people who derive their happiness from capitalistic achievement, being on top, being the best, and I commend them. That takes a certain type of drive that is completely different from my own. I don’t care about being better than anyone or making it seem like I am. I know many people who are clawing at the door to start their careers, and again, that works for them, I wish it could be me in another universe. You don’t have to be different or the same. Nobody is. Just be present and make the best of what is. Don’t feel discouraged by other people’s “success” or by those who seem like they’re ahead of you. Everyone gets to where they need to be in due time. I feel a lot of peace in trusting the journey of where my life and who I am takes me. This seems like some really hippy bullshit, even for me, but I’ve found that worrying so much about fitting in a specific category has only lessened my perception and quality of life.
I’m turning 20 this week, and looking back on my life this time a year ago solidifies for me the point I’m making. A year ago, I didn’t know I’d be graduating early. I had no desire to go to grad school, and I was unhappy with myself and the world around me. All of this was at the hands of my own self. I was stuck in the mindset of feeling stuck in a place I didn’t want to be and then unrelenting anxiety about getting a good job, paralyzing fear that I wouldn’t “make it.” I thought I was limited to what I had known and thinking too critically about what wasn’t even in my reach yet. This year, I’m hopeful; I’m proud of myself and my progress. I’m blessed to have what I do. I’m surrounded by love and support, and I’ve made it further than I ever imagined I would at times in the past. There are things that I’ve lost in the last year, things I’ll miss on this birthday, changes that I always anticipated but didn’t prepare for. People I never imagined being without but am. That’s all okay. That’s life, and change is always guaranteed. I’m happy about what’s in my hands right now, what is here in front of me, because that is all we really have: the here and now, as they say. Feel that!!! And smile about it. You won’t ever be fully happy with and able to truly appreciate what you already have if you’re only ever reaching for more. Of course, you should strive for your goals, but don’t get so lost in it.
Perhaps you don’t even have specific goals yet; worry not. Put yourself out there, join clubs and social groups, try new things, take new classes, and entertain interest. My favorite - talk to people, everyone’s got something to say as long as you’re willing to listen. If accidentally completing my journalism requirements has taught me anything, it’s that you’re surrounded by stories, stories that could change your life!!! I like talking to old people the most - very insightful.
That’s all I have. Tough week.
Posted while eating a toaster strudel (delicious)
Peace and love,
D.M.
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